Where Have I Been and a Life Update

At the beginning of the year I remember saying I would publish on this blog at least once a week…..well obviously that didn’t turn out as planned. So I thought I would give a lil life update on what’s been happening/ where I have been and what to expect from now on.

When I went into 2018 I was in a bad place mentally/ emotionally {just everywhere really}. I was still struggling to move forward from the ending of a two and a half year relationship and my anxiety had been flaring up badly. Everyday, I would get in from work, exercise vigorously and then wrap myself in my fluffy throw and hope I would sleep. For a lot of December/ January I had been struggling to sleep to the point I would be laying awake at 4 am and go for a run {if I’m not gonna sleep, I might as well do something productive}. Added to this was my ex who would call me over 20 times a night, every night for about 3 months, this didn’t help my sleeping issues or mental state.

All of this was extremely unhealthy for me and as someone who doesn’t do well explaining or expressing my emotions {I literally don’t know how to deal with serious emotions unless I turn them into a joke} it just made me even more difficult to deal with and quite stressful to be around.

 I thought by setting myself tough targets and putting a lot of energy into re-vamping my blog it would enable to fix the other aspects of my life. To be honest, it only made it worse. The pressure of expecting myself two long pieces of content every week got to me literally straight away. I know it doesn’t seem like much but to me at that time it was so overwhelming. I could barely put any energy into taking care of myself let alone put it into a blog in which I have set extremely high expectations for.

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In late January, my Grandad went into hospital and it wasn’t looking great. After that moment all my priorities changed. My blog and all my social media posting stopped. I deleted every picture from my social media, stopped writing all together and anything I did as a relief from work {i love my job but you need a break y’all} was immediately cancelled. I put such high expectations on myself and this blog, I have over 50 draft posts finished with photos but the tiniest thing will be wrong with it and I just physically can’t get myself to post it.  Social media and this blog became more of a chore than anything, so I put all my energy into work and just trying to take care of myself and family around me.

After my Grandad passed away, I did what I always do when something bad happens which is avoid the problem and find something that will take my mind off of it. Work became the thing I obsessed with, which was great at first, absorbing myself in work allowed me to really avoid my problems. Again, I do not advise this method of coping with grief. This eventually led me to burning out, making silly mistakes and crying at the tiniest of things, which in a workplace isn’t great {SORRY GUYS}.

After I had a huge meltdown {which involved lots of crying, not pretty trust me}, I decided ENOUGH IS ENOUGH MADELEINE. I booked a holiday with my best friend, who was going through similar things and we flew to Cyprus for a good old girls holiday. For both of us, our mini break to Cyprus became a healing trip, we attempted to come to terms with our loses, to deal with our very different anxiety problems and get a suntan {the hardest part of that trip really…}. Our motto for Cyprus became “Why overthink, when you can over drink” {that is copyrighted to pip and olive so don’t even think about stealing it}. Can I just say turning to alcohol is never a good way to deal with your issues, but for us, it actually allowed us to let loose and finally RELAX.

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I left Cyprus in the best place mentally I had been for OVER A YEAR. {Holiday’s really do provide healing properties for the soul…..} I have started getting back to the things I love, joined an orchestra and performed in concerts, finished a French course and have started writing again {praise ze lord}. For the first time, I kinda feel like I have my shit together…..kind of, I’m still incredible anxious, can’t sleep well and curl up in my fluffy blanket regularly. However,  the most important thing I have learn’t is that it is okay when someone asks how you are, it is okay to say actually today I’m not that good, but I’m trying to make the best out of it.  Of course, I understand you don’t want to answer that way to everyone {I certainly don’t}, but I have a couple of friends who it is okay to say that and they will provide the blanket of love you may need at that time. And if you don’t have that literally drop me an email, let’s talk, let’s get them emotions out.

So, Long story short, the first 8 months of my 2018 have been a bit all over the place, but here are a few things I have learn’t so far:

  • it’s okay to admit you are not feeling okay to your friends {or people you feel comfortable around}, they love and care for you and will provide that blanket of support/love you need.
  • fluffy blankets are a great investment, buy lots, it will improve your life drastically. 
  • ‘Why overthink when you can overdrink’ 

So from now on, I am purely focussed on myself. I have spent a lot of time in my past focussed on other people. 2018 is the year of self-care, therefore, I will not be putting extensive pressure on myself to post on this blog. I will try to post at least once a week, but there will not be a schedule to it {soz guys}. The content will be a lot different also, less beauty, more lifestyle/ wellness posts.

Anyway, since I am rambling now, I hope you enjoyed this post and a little insight into my life. I look forward to bringing *actual* content to this blog.

Love,

Madeleine xo

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